I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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