i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
