i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
