is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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