Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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