i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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