wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
