All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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