Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
