I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
