I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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