There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
