we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
