i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
do nipples grow back?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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