If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
