I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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