Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
