I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
