How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
