Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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