she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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