Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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