If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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