i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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