also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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