she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
