well I can't set my house on fire every night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
There's even glitter on my cock...
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