Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
