last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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