Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
