I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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