Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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