Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
