My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
