Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
