Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
