If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
how drunk are you?
Several
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
