We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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