why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
