I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
from now on my penis is your penis
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
