Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
