know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
