She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
