I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
