Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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