I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
