its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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