she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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