girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm too high and old for this...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
