I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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