Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
